Networks Attempt to Disprove Human Nature

In a desperate move to maintain their ad revenues, the big networks just released “research” that claims that the impact of DVR’s is much less than earlier forecast. By using the fact, probably true, that people tend to watch more TV when they have a DVR, they postulate that they will also watch more ads. They even found three people who say they like watching the commercials and rarely skip over them.

The fact is, I agree that I watch TV more since I bought a DVR. The ease of recording shows without having to hassle with tapes is one of the biggest advantages of owning a digital video recorder. Then, of course, the ability to watch shows recorded earlier whenever you want also lets you watch your favorite shows at times when there is usually nothing on.

But for me, half the pleasure of watching a show is being able to watch it without the maddening commercial breaks that seem to come more frequently and last longer than ever. The continuity of a drama can be totally destroyed by stupid perfume ads or worse, the ones for precription drugs that end with all the gory side effects that you “may” experience. I’m sure that the writers and directors of a romantic drama don’t really appreciate a poignant scene being followed by an ad that includes the words “anal leakage.”

That said, I always skip through commercials when I’m watching a pre-recorded show. It’s not just that I don’t like having to sit through ads for stuff I don’t want; it’s that I like saving the time. I can now watch a show in 25-30% less time than it takes in real time. When I’m watching live TV upstairs, I’m constantly reaching for the remote to skip commercials only to be disappointed that I can’t.

So good luck networks in convincing your advertising agencies that DVR’s have little impact on the hours people spend watching commercials. In my house it just isn’t true.

Peer Pressure

Among my many neurotic behaviors, I get really annoyed when people use the restroom and don’t wash their hands. The thought of grabbing the door handle after the last guy who shook himself off and didn’t wash up, really turns me off. I start thinking how brainless the people are who design restrooms with doors that swing inward requiring a handle. At least if the door pushes outward, you can use your elbow or push on a part of the door that most people would not place their hand.

You’ve no doubt seen piles of paper next to the exit door where people carry out their paper towel to use to grab the door handle, or just to push the door with. Thoughtful proprietors provide a trash can right there for us neurotic people to toss the paper in after we've opened the door.

Granted, you can’t expect every establishment to be able to accommodate a door that opens out, or some arrangement where you don’t need a door at all (the ideal solution by the way), so what is the solution?

Being a techno nerd geek sort of guy, I of course came up with one. It’s very simple, you just leverage peer pressure. Peer pressure is an extremely powerful motivator. No one wants the whole bar to know that they didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom, right?

So, all you have to do is install some kind of system, maybe a series of sensors – proximity sensors, IR sensors, pressure sensors in the floor, whatever – that determine if you went to the sink and washed your hands before leaving. If you don’t, a strobe goes off above the door along with a “woop” sound or something else appropriate for the venue and the guy slinks back to his seat. After that no woman will go near him.

To protect your business from lawsuits brought by Neanderthals, you put a sign in the bathroom warning people that this establishment requires you to wash your hands before leaving, as a courtesy to other patrons – or else.

I’m telling you, the kind of people who insist on not washing their hands either will change their behavior or not return to your establishment. The place will get a reputation for caring about courtesy and cleanliness, word will spread, other places fill follow suit, the death toll from influenza will pummet.

I don’t think anyone has invented the technology to make this work yet, but it is certainly an interesting challenge, don’t you think?

Stupid Uniden Phone

How come my phone still has the IQ of a tree stump? All it has are the same basic functions that a phone had 20 years ago, but with a built in answering machine that is digital rather than the magnetic tape variety of old. Yes it is wireless so you can carry it around, but that doesn’t make it any smarter, just a little more convenient. Yes it has an intercom function, but that’s not exactly rocket science either, and by the way, we had intercoms 20 years ago too.

I’ve said this before, but here it is again. I want a phone that I can program to not ring during certain parts of the day without my having to mess with it. Is that too much to ask? I just want the damn built in answering system to operate like an automated message system – i.e. I want it to intercept all the calls between, lets say 11 pm and 7 am and politely tell the caller that I’m not available during such and such hours because I’M SLEEPING and please leave a message. I also want the option of offering the caller the power to ring through anyway, if it is an emergency, like if my wife or daughter are in trouble or something.

Since each extension is also coded, I see no reason why my automated message system couldn’t be programmed to ask the caller which extension (person) they want to talk to and just ring that extension if that’s how I want to set it up. This is all totally possible and would cost nothing since the microprocessor and digital memory are already there and the space required to save a couple messages like that would be minimal. So why hasn’t it happened yet? Am I the only person who has ever wanted this kind of functionality? I doubt it.

My current Uniden wireless phone has a base unit with a built-in answering system and three additional extensions and sells for about $100 at places like Costco. It has an intercom feature that is useful if you have a big house, and caller ID so you can answer each call in a different tone of voice depending on whether you like the person or not.

What are the engineers and marketing geniuses at Uniden waiting for? Huh? Will someone please pass this request along to the right genius?

Thank you, I’m going to bed now. Please don’t call me until tomorrow after 7.